Bitchy (originally posted August 24, 2012)

The song that keeps running through my head is "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" by the Beatles.   Before all the Beatlemaniacs tell me what the song "means" or "meant" for me it is about grief.   Grief is Love.   Grief is Love that has lost its object.   It doesn't matter whether the grief is over a breakup or a death, the song speaks about the loneliness of grief, its shame and its social stigma.     Here are the lyrics. 

Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall

No that won't do.  You've got to hide your grief away.  Hide it away.  We don't want to see it.  Take it to a shrink or to a group or to your momma but don't show it.   Your time is up.  We have to move on.  When are you going to get better?  When will you be your old self again?   When are you going to get to that "new normal?"   No one is saying this.  This is my projection even as it isn't just my projection.   No one wants to see people grieving forever.   So for those who do wonder when I am going to be my old self again, I do have an answer.   Here it is.   I will be better on April 1, 2075 at 3:30 p.m.  Can you wait that long? 

The astute observer will note that the patient is starting to get in touch with his anger.   It reveals itself in sarcasm and painful witticisms.    When approaching the patient take care not to do the following or you may lose your eye teeth.

1. Mention God.  The patient and the Divine Master of the Universe are not on speaking terms.  No theological acumen on your part will do anything to change that.
2. Attempt to cheer up the patient or say something "hopeful" such as "Someday you will grow from this."   Grrrrr.
3. Give advice to the patient of any kind about any thing.  Period.

I know this is confusing.  It is one thing to respond to someone's hurt and pain.  It is totally another to try to respond to anger.   The most important thing to know about "the patient" is that if you do run into anger, remember it is not about you.   You could note that the sky is blue and I might trip out on you.   I have changed, not anyone else.    Those of us who are grieving may not even know what these feelings are about and where they are directed.    The sad part is that "the patient" may drive away those s/he needs most.  At least that is what the patient fears.

So, please, hang in there with the patient and keep trying.

For those wanting to be present with someone in grief, here are some suggestions.